Why did
nobody tell me that Dante gets a literalcowboy
hat as his weapon in DMC 5, this is incredibly
important!
… Mainly
because I headcanon since DMC 4 that Dante likes cowboys (look at his outfit in
that game) and was especially enthusiastic about them when he was still a kid
(in that “Mum I’m gonna be a cowboy when
I grow up!” kind of you, you know) and that he would be absolutely delighted
to have a real cowboy hat.
If Dante
doesn’t say at least one dumb cowboy pun while having the weapon equipped,
like, a “yeehaw” or “steady on!” or “there’s only space for one of us in this city” or something, I’m
gonna sue.
Also now
Capcom needs to give us an extra skin for Dante so you can switch into his DMC
4 outfit and equip the cowboy hat on top of it, just to complete the damn look.
Dante gets so into it he challenges Lady to a duel, “Pistols at noon! You and me cowpoke!”
Lady stares at him without a word for a whole two minutes.
And then she shoots him in the head.
And then she walks over to him, still grumbling about how much that stings, and yanks the damn hat off of his head and starts stomping on it despite his protests.
She shoots it a couple of times too for good measure.
Dante picks up the remains of his poor, abused, hat, cut down in the prime of it’s life, “Why?”
Lady stares him dead in the face, expression stone still, “I made a vow to destroy evil.”
Silence.
“Also, you’re annoying enough without having an excuse to talk with that godawful western accent.”
He waits, (clearly not pouting, what do you mean, he is a grown man, he does not pout, thank you very much) until Lady seems to be out of earshot, before he leans over to Nico.
The young woman is barely holding in the loud laughter threatening to spill, but manages an inquiring noise as she catches his gaze.
“Do you think you can fix this up?”
A smothered sound, a giggle, then a cleared throat before she becomes stern again. “Count on me, cowboy!”
Dante’s grin goes from ear to ear as he puts on his best (worst) drawl. “Don’t know what I would do without ya, lassie!”
Nico snorts, a loud, delighted noise. “Oh my god, you’re worse than grandma told me.”
“That a good thing?”
“The best. Now give me that mistreated thingy, I’m gonna make it better than it ever was.”
“Off you go,” Dante pauses, considers, “Make it more durable, perhaps?”
“Demon-durable or Lady-durable?”
“Both. Mostly the later.”
Lady has never felt such utter and complete betrayal in her entire life from another human being (except the obvious, of course) as she starred at the offending headwear, patched up and reinforced with carbon fiber of all things.
Dante saunters over, thumbs in the waist of his pants and a tooth pick in his mouth-oh for the love of god are those spurs on his shoes–and grins so smugly she is tempted to shot him in the teeth on principal alone.
“Well howdy there pardner.” His grin grows when one of Lady’s eyes twitches. “Fancy seeing you around these parts.” He pointed up to his hat. “I see you eyeballin’ my hat, purdy ain’t it?”
“Dante for the love of God that’s a fucking trucker accent-”
“Now I know you must be hankerin’ to bust it up like before,” He continued, ignoring her, “but you should know-”
Lady whipped out one of her machine guns, and unloaded the entire magazine directly into that vile piece of leather and demonic metal.
Damn thing didn’t even flinch.
“-My associate here gave it an upgrade.” He pointed to Nico, who was standing by his side this whole time, nearly bent over in held back laughter.
“Bullet proof hat!” She exclaimed at Lady, eyes shining with excitement, “I love working with you guys I never would have thought of this one.”
“You,” Lady started, eyes digging through Nico as well as any bullet, “are a traitor to the whole of humanity.”
“Oh relax.” Nico waved her off with little care. “Just let the man have his dumb fun, besides I made this thing 100% Lady-proof, there ain’t a damn thing you can do to it to damage or destroy it.”
Lady raised an eyebrow, holstered her machine gun, and reached back to put a hand on Kalina Ann.
“…Except that maybe.”
Dante whipped his head to Nico, “You forgot about the damn rocket launcher!?”
“She has like twenty different guns!” Nico protested, panic seeping out of her voice. “How do you expect me to keep track!?”
“Nico.” Lady intoned mildly, aiming the large barrel of her prized weapon directly at Dante’s face. “Take ten steps back.”
Nico took one look at the bazooka, than another look at Dante, switching between the two a few more times before turning on her heel and legging it.
“Later partner!”
“Lady was right! You ARE a traitor!”
A soft click of a trigger reached Dante’s sensitive ears.
“Oh dagnabbit.”
A massive explosion rocked the immediate area, sending plums of smoke and fire into the air along with a few chunks of concrete, charred black from the blast.
Lady put Kalina Ann back on the strap on her back, crossed her arms, and nodded her head in satisfaction, “The evil is defeated.” She yelled into the smoke cloud where Dante was standing, probably grumbling about his lost hat. “Let that be a lesson to you! You should always know when to let a joke die.”
She turned away to get to the nearest bar in order to drink the memory of this nonsense out of her head as soon as possible…when she heard a few surprised peals of laughter.
“Well, waddya know!” Dante stepped out of the smoke cloud, outfit scorched and ruined, with more than a few wounds rapidly healing on his skin…
And the hat in his hand, utterly unscathed.
“She really did make it Lady-proof!”
Lady’s eye twitched again as she gaped at the utter ridiculousness of what she was looking at, before she growled and walked away with an angry stomp.
“Aww, what’s the matter? Giving up?”
“I’m getting Trish!”
“Woah nelly….”
“… so I might have pissed her off a little bit
with that and what do you reckon are the chances that she’s going to shoot me
if the hat doesn’t get destroyed in that one?”
Nero had long since come to the perfectly reasonable conclusion that the crew of Devil May Cry were completely out of their minds.
From Dante’s constant disregard of his safety, Lady’s overly sensitive trigger finger (which was especially dangerous when she brought out the damn canon strapped to her back), and Trish…well, being Trish, there was no shortage of reasons to thing the gang were long overdue for a few appointments with a shrink.
This…was something else though. He stared down at the hat in his hands. A hat that was given…alright less given and more slammed into his handwith little warning while he was working, by an especially angry looking Lady.
It seemed…well, it was a cowboy hat, with a long brim that curved upwards near the end, a leather band surrounding the center along with a few red gemstones that glowed with demonic power.
So, not the strangest thing Nero had ever held in his hand, but the way Lady was glaring down at it you’d think it was the spawn of the deepest pit of hell.
“…hello-?”
“Destroy it.”
“Huh?”
Just then Dante burst into the workshop (scattering the tools Nero had spent an entire hour cleaning up goddamnit old man!) with a look of unrestrained panic, “Kid! Don’t let her lies drag you to cruelty!”
“…what.”
“Quiet Dante!” Lady whirled on the older half demon, jabbing a finger in his chest, “This has gone on long enough!” She pointed at the hat still sitting serenely in Nero’s metal hand, “This thing has got to go!”
….were they seriously having an argument over a damn hat.
“Just because you can’t appreciate the style-”
“I saw cockroaches with more style than that tourist trap reject!”
This is why his work was interrupted so rudely? He was being subjected to all this drama because of a damn hat?
“You kidding!? That’s rich coming from a chick who rode a motorcycle in a tartan skirt and thigh high boots!”
“That thing is bad enough sitting on a coat hanger! But you put it on and, impossible as it may sound, you turn into an even bigger pain in the ass!”
“GUYS!” Nero yelled out, rubbing his temple with his free hand to try and stop the headache that rose into his head, “Are you serious?” He waved the hat around in exasperation, “What’s all this for?”
The two looked at eachother for a moment, Lady with an impatient scowl and Dante with a challenging raise of an eyebrow, before turning to the younger man and absolutely unloading on him with silly complaint after ridiculous justification.
By the time they were done Nero was ready to grab the heavy piece of weaponry he was working on and using it to get them to calm the hell down but tried to control himself.
“Okay…” He said, through his teeth, hand still rubbing his forehead, “So, let me get this straight, Dante got a cowboy hat and got it into his head he has to use a really lame accent with it-”
“I think you mean authentic accent-”
“-Lady shot it to hell so Dante somehow convinced Nico to patch it up and make it stronger-”
“-a traitor, a traitor and a fool-”
“-making it strong enough to withstand bullets and a blast from a freaking rocket launcher-”
“-that there spooked me right good it did let me tell ya-”
“You’re not even wearing the damn thing what is wrong with you-!?”
“And Trish, for some reason, doesn’t think she can destroy it either.” Nero finished, his eye twitching with ever interruption from the other two, looking at the hat that started all this with disdain and general annoyance, “And now you want me to destroy this ugly thing, right?”
“It ain’t ugly-”
“Yes it is! C’mon Nero you gotta be on my side on this one!” She pointed at Dante, “Doesn’t this guy annoy us enough without this extra ammo!?”
“Don’t appeal to his emotions!” Dante made a motion towards Nero with a hand, “The kid’s smart, I’m sure he can see proper solution to all this,” He sent a charming smile to Nero, complete with gleaming teeth (all it accomplished was make Nero’s headache worse), “Right kid? What do you think about all this?”
Nero looked at Dante, gleaming smile still stretching his face, and then at Lady, her face sending off an endless amount of threats of horrible and slow death (both towards the demon hunter and his hat), and sighed.
“I think that the both of you are crazy and that this is, bar none, the most idiotic situation I have ever found myself in.”
Behind the door, Morrison, Trish and Nico had to try their hardest not to burst out laughing.
“…is everything okay in there?”
The trio near the door looked behind them too see Kyrie, dressed comfortably and carrying a few bags of groceries in her hands, and a rather worried expression on her face.
“Let me get those for you.” Morrison offered quickly, stepping up to her to take the heavy overfilled bags out of her hands and onto a nearby table, when he turned back and saw her still a bit anxious and looking at the workshop door. “Oh that? Don’t worry little lady, just another silly little argument between Dante and our resident Gunslinger.”
Kyrie sighed and put a hand to her cheek, “Oh, what did he do this time?”
Morrison tried not to grin at the sound of exasperated affection in her voice, it still surprised him how such a seemingly delicate looking girl got used so to the madness of the half devil so easily.
(Though he supposed she had practice with that boyfriend of hers.)
“Nothing too drastic, Dante just got a new hat.”
The sound of crashing metal and gunfire, followed by loud yelling and cursing, erupted from behind the doors, Nico flinching back a couple steps away while Trish just shook her head with a chuckle.
Kyrie blinked twice at the door, then looked back at Morrison. “A hat is causing that?”
The old man laughed. “Well, the hat and Dante having a little too much fun with it, Lady in particular seems to disapprove.”
“I WILL DESTROY THAT LOATHSOME PIECE OF LEATHER IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!”
“OVER MY DEAD BODY!”
“THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!”
a few explosions rocked the building, followed by the unmistakable sounds of Dante whooping and hollering as he dodged gunfire from an increasingly angry Lady.
“…I’ve guessed…” She looked over at Trish, who was still sitting near the door with a sly grin and enjoying the fireworks. “You’re not going to stop them?”
“Better to let them get it out of their system.” Trish waved off her concern easily. “As soon as Dante gets bored of this joke he’ll drop the damn hat and we can all move on.”
Nico side-eyed the door as more noise filtered through the wood. “Assuming there’s anything left by the time they’re done.”
Kyrie narrowed her eyes at the door…before she recognized it as the door to Nero’s workshop.
“Guys come on I just finished cleaning up! Would you two relax!?”
Kyrie’s heels made a very distinct sound on the wooden floor as she stepped her way to the door and grabbed the handle to open it.
Trish grabbed her wrist gently to stop her. “Hold on now,” She said calmly, “no need for you to get in the middle of this, they’ll burn themselves out soon enou-”
Kyrie looked Trish dead in the eye, raised a single eyebrow, and waited.
Trish blinked in surprise before letting go of Kyrie and putting her hands up in mock surrender. “Alright then, go save your boyfriend.”
Kyrie nodded and opened the door, stepping briskly passed the threshold.
(She didn’t catch Nico whispering, “I keep forgetting how scary she can be.” as she walked away. She didn’t catch Morrison chuckling or Trish shrugging either.)
The first thing she saw as she walked in was the burning wreckage of the motorcycle Nero had been tinkering with for the past six weeks embedded in a nearby wall. The second thing she saw was her boyfriend grabbing Lady from behind to hold her back from trying to wring Dante’s neck, who was standing a few feet away and sticking his tongue out at the raging hunter.
“White haired pain in the neck!”
“Why don’t you admit you’re just jealous of my fashion sense?”
“Why don’t you shut it before she shoots you with the rocket launcher again!?”
She cupped her hands over her mouth and took a deep breath. “HEY!”
The trio froze in place and whipped their heads to look at her, expressions suddenly sheepish.
“I heard there was an argument about a hat?”
Dante blinked, before a mad grin bloomed on his features, “Indeed there is.”
Nero’s eyes bugged out and he glared at Dante, still holding Lady back. “Oh no don’t you drag here into this nonsense!”
“She is the perfect person to settle this once and for all!” Dante shot back, walking calmly towards Kyrie, who was crossing her arms and looking a little tired already. “She’s a neutral party, plus the only person here with a sense of style.”
Kyrie shook her head, though a little smile was pulling at the sides of her mouth, since the whole incident at Fortuna, the veteran devil hunter had never ceased to surprise her with his antics, but this was on another level all together.
“Well howdy there little lady.”
A groan of supreme displeasure rose from Lady, “oh God it just keeps getting worse.”
“Me and my companion over yonder are havin’ a dispute over fashion and style.” He continued, his drawl ever present and even posing like a cowboy, on hand on the brim of his hat and the other on his hip. “I think this here hat makes me look mighty stylin’, while Lady over there-”
“Thinks that hat and the accent you put on with it is a raging garbage fire.”
“-Well yeah, and we’ve been tryin’ to settle this for a while now, and all our other friends are refusing to comment.”
“They like watching us squabble you mean.”
“Well yeah obviously.” Dante said easily, losing the accent for a moment, “I know that, why do think they’ve been outside that door listening in on us this whole time?”
The sounds of people scrambling came from behind said door, along with a muffled curse.
“Assholes!”
“Like you wouldn’t do the same.” Dante laughed, before turning back to Kyrie, who has been holding back her own laughter, and turning the drawl back on, “So, I reckon that you, being the most honest and straightforward of our bunch, you’d be able to settle this once and for all.”
“Dante…” Lady started this again, this time sounds more than a little tired, “please don’t drag her into this, this is just a stupid joke-”
“Look,” Dante intoned diplomatically, “if Kyrie says something she means it, if she says the hat doesn’t suit me, I drop it and the accent, fair?”
Lady grumbled for a moment before throwing her hands up in surrender, “Fine, so long as this idiocy stops already.” She then looked down at Nero, who was still holding her back by the waist, “…and kid?”
“Yeah?”
“If you don’t want to see how bulletproof you are compared to Dante, you will put me down.”
He quickly put her on her feet and took a good 5 five steps back with his hands up.
“So, in your honest opinion Kyrie, how do I look?”
Kyrie looked at Dante, very closely, taking in his smug grin, confident posture, and the laughter in his eyes as he tried to hold back from showing how much he was enjoying himself in this farce.
She peered behind him to look at Nero a bit helplessly, and he could only offer a shrug in reply as he mouthed a ‘sorry’. She looked back at Dante with a curious expression, at a loss.
Suddenly his expression softened, “you don’t have to get involved if you don’t want to.” He grin easily and took a step back, “no pressure, it’s just a little joke.”
Kyrie caught something as he stepped back, a look in his eye that she recognized.
“Dante…why do you want to be a cowboy anyway?”
Dante looked incredulous for a moment, before scoffing. “Oh come on, I can’t be the only one who wanted to be a cowboy when they were a kid.”
Lady raised an eyebrow at him, “Seriously Dante?”
“Yeah seriously,” Dante said with a laugh tinged with nostalgia, “when I was a kid I used to watch all these movies about desperadoes riding into the sunset, firing six shooters, and leaning on bar stools, looking cool without even trying.” He laughed again, “hell, especially Clint Eastwood, I must have watched The Good The Bad and The Ugly like a dozen times with my-”
He stopped dead, voice catching in his throat as something dark passed in his eyes. Lady and Nero gaped at him, Lady in particular looking at a loss for words as what he didn’t say start to sink in.
Kyrie felt something clench in her chest, but said nothing, waiting for him to continue.
Instead he sighed and took the hat off with a dismissive chuckle, “nah, nevermind, like I said.” He put the hat on Kyrie’s head, “just a dumb joke that I took a bit too far.”
“Dante…”
“Could you put that in the weapon storage?” Dante called out easily as he stepped away from her, “if I need it I’ll know where to find it.” He looked at the mess he and Lady made of the workshop and sucked in a breath through his teeth, “yikes, we really did a number on this place huh?” He looked at Nero with a small grin, “sorry ‘bout that kid.”
Nero shook his head and scowled lightly, “if you’re so sorry you can help clean up.” He pointed at Lady, “and you too!”
“Gotcha.”
Kyrie felt her chest sink at the look of Dante, grinning and joking but in a subdued way, like he was hiding something.
She knew what he was hiding of course, they all knew, but discussing such things in Devil May Cry simply Did Not Happen. If she left it be he would back to his old self in a few days and never bring it up again, never put the hat on again either, no matter how happy it made him.
She grabbed the hat off her head and started stepping towards him with purpose, tugging on his coat so he would look at her.
Before he could even ask her what she wanted, she put the hat back on his head.
“Huh?”
“I think this makes you look very handsome, Dante.”
She smiled warmly at him as he blinked down in surprise, reaching a hand up to rub the brim of the hat, “R-really?”
She nodded easily, smile still lighting up her features.
Dante blinked a few more times before his usual grin lit up, “Well I’ll be darned-”
“Although,” Kyrie said again, grabbing the hat off his head before he could react and put it back on her head, “the accent is a bit much.”
Dante blinked again at her, before he bent over in laughter and looked at Lady, “See? At least someone has some fashion sense around here?”
Lady rolled her eyes and shook her head, “yeah, but she also has some common sense.”
Dante laughed again and shook his head, grinning at her, “Sorry about busting your chops all day, couldn’t help myself.”
Lady punched him on the shoulder, “yeah yeah, and I’m sorry for shooting you with a rocket.”
“Twice.”
“Alright twice ya big baby.”
Nero walked over to Kyrie and hugged her while the other two bickered lightly as they cleaned up, kissing her softly, “You are a blessing, you know that right?”
Kyrie laughed as she blushed from her boyfriend’s attention, “Just keeping the peace.”
—-
Kyrie walked into the weapon storage with the hat in hand (she was still having trouble wrapping her head around the idea that a hat could be a weapon), and closed the door behind her, looking for a place to put it where it wouldn’t be too out of the way to be hidden.
She walked a few steps in, admiring a few of the pieces already on shelves and hanging off hooks on the walls, eventually finding a free space on a shelf where she could put the hat.
Along with a mirror.
Kyrie looked at it for a moment, seeing it was just an ordinary mirror (Dante probably kept it in there to check out his looks), and looked at the hat in her hands.
She looked left.
Right.
Back at the hat.
Slowly, she faced the mirror, and put the hat on, admiring the visage in her reflection.
Making a finger gun gesture, she pointed at the glass with a self indulgent grin. “Bang.” After a moment, she used both hands and affected a slight southern drawl, “Reach for the sky.”
With a giggle she took the hat off and put it on the shelf and made for the exit with a happy spring in her step.
As soon as she closed the door behind her, she noticed the whole of Devil May Cry looking at her with very amused smiles.
Kyrie blushed and chuckled nervously.
“Oh sure,” Dante grumbled from somewhere in the back, “it’s cute when she does it.”
Here’s Proof That Tween Girl Halloween Costumes Are Way Too Sexed-Up [x]
This is starting to worry me.
Don’t forget that these are Tweens. They aren’t teens or adults. They’re 9-12 year olds. These are kids that are still in elementary school. A good majority of them haven’t even hit puberty yet. If that doesn’t bother you, There’s a problem.
This is gross
so gross. so scary.
Obligatory October reblog. This post is becoming a halloween tradition
Some of the child costumes are beginning to look like the tween ones now tho. We need to get this shit handled.
Why did
nobody tell me that Dante gets a literalcowboy
hat as his weapon in DMC 5, this is incredibly
important!
… Mainly
because I headcanon since DMC 4 that Dante likes cowboys (look at his outfit in
that game) and was especially enthusiastic about them when he was still a kid
(in that “Mum I’m gonna be a cowboy when
I grow up!” kind of you, you know) and that he would be absolutely delighted
to have a real cowboy hat.
If Dante
doesn’t say at least one dumb cowboy pun while having the weapon equipped,
like, a “yeehaw” or “steady on!” or “there’s only space for one of us in this city” or something, I’m
gonna sue.
Also now
Capcom needs to give us an extra skin for Dante so you can switch into his DMC
4 outfit and equip the cowboy hat on top of it, just to complete the damn look.
Dante gets so into it he challenges Lady to a duel, “Pistols at noon! You and me cowpoke!”
Lady stares at him without a word for a whole two minutes.
And then she shoots him in the head.
And then she walks over to him, still grumbling about how much that stings, and yanks the damn hat off of his head and starts stomping on it despite his protests.
She shoots it a couple of times too for good measure.
Dante picks up the remains of his poor, abused, hat, cut down in the prime of it’s life, “Why?”
Lady stares him dead in the face, expression stone still, “I made a vow to destroy evil.”
Silence.
“Also, you’re annoying enough without having an excuse to talk with that godawful western accent.”
He waits, (clearly not pouting, what do you mean, he is a grown man, he does not pout, thank you very much) until Lady seems to be out of earshot, before he leans over to Nico.
The young woman is barely holding in the loud laughter threatening to spill, but manages an inquiring noise as she catches his gaze.
“Do you think you can fix this up?”
A smothered sound, a giggle, then a cleared throat before she becomes stern again. “Count on me, cowboy!”
Dante’s grin goes from ear to ear as he puts on his best (worst) drawl. “Don’t know what I would do without ya, lassie!”
Nico snorts, a loud, delighted noise. “Oh my god, you’re worse than grandma told me.”
“That a good thing?”
“The best. Now give me that mistreated thingy, I’m gonna make it better than it ever was.”
“Off you go,” Dante pauses, considers, “Make it more durable, perhaps?”
“Demon-durable or Lady-durable?”
“Both. Mostly the later.”
Lady has never felt such utter and complete betrayal in her entire life from another human being (except the obvious, of course) as she starred at the offending headwear, patched up and reinforced with carbon fiber of all things.
Dante saunters over, thumbs in the waist of his pants and a tooth pick in his mouth-oh for the love of god are those spurs on his shoes–and grins so smugly she is tempted to shot him in the teeth on principal alone.
“Well howdy there pardner.” His grin grows when one of Lady’s eyes twitches. “Fancy seeing you around these parts.” He pointed up to his hat. “I see you eyeballin’ my hat, purdy ain’t it?”
“Dante for the love of God that’s a fucking trucker accent-”
“Now I know you must be hankerin’ to bust it up like before,” He continued, ignoring her, “but you should know-”
Lady whipped out one of her machine guns, and unloaded the entire magazine directly into that vile piece of leather and demonic metal.
Damn thing didn’t even flinch.
“-My associate here gave it an upgrade.” He pointed to Nico, who was standing by his side this whole time, nearly bent over in held back laughter.
“Bullet proof hat!” She exclaimed at Lady, eyes shining with excitement, “I love working with you guys I never would have thought of this one.”
“You,” Lady started, eyes digging through Nico as well as any bullet, “are a traitor to the whole of humanity.”
“Oh relax.” Nico waved her off with little care. “Just let the man have his dumb fun, besides I made this thing 100% Lady-proof, there ain’t a damn thing you can do to it to damage or destroy it.”
Lady raised an eyebrow, holstered her machine gun, and reached back to put a hand on Kalina Ann.
“…Except that maybe.”
Dante whipped his head to Nico, “You forgot about the damn rocket launcher!?”
“She has like twenty different guns!” Nico protested, panic seeping out of her voice. “How do you expect me to keep track!?”
“Nico.” Lady intoned mildly, aiming the large barrel of her prized weapon directly at Dante’s face. “Take ten steps back.”
Nico took one look at the bazooka, than another look at Dante, switching between the two a few more times before turning on her heel and legging it.
“Later partner!”
“Lady was right! You ARE a traitor!”
A soft click of a trigger reached Dante’s sensitive ears.
“Oh dagnabbit.”
A massive explosion rocked the immediate area, sending plums of smoke and fire into the air along with a few chunks of concrete, charred black from the blast.
Lady put Kalina Ann back on the strap on her back, crossed her arms, and nodded her head in satisfaction, “The evil is defeated.” She yelled into the smoke cloud where Dante was standing, probably grumbling about his lost hat. “Let that be a lesson to you! You should always know when to let a joke die.”
She turned away to get to the nearest bar in order to drink the memory of this nonsense out of her head as soon as possible…when she heard a few surprised peals of laughter.
“Well, waddya know!” Dante stepped out of the smoke cloud, outfit scorched and ruined, with more than a few wounds rapidly healing on his skin…
And the hat in his hand, utterly unscathed.
“She really did make it Lady-proof!”
Lady’s eye twitched again as she gaped at the utter ridiculousness of what she was looking at, before she growled and walked away with an angry stomp.
“Aww, what’s the matter? Giving up?”
“I’m getting Trish!”
“Woah nelly….”
“… so I might have pissed her off a little bit
with that and what do you reckon are the chances that she’s going to shoot me
if the hat doesn’t get destroyed in that one?”
Nero had long since come to the perfectly reasonable conclusion that the crew of Devil May Cry were completely out of their minds.
From Dante’s constant disregard of his safety, Lady’s overly sensitive trigger finger (which was especially dangerous when she brought out the damn canon strapped to her back), and Trish…well, being Trish, there was no shortage of reasons to thing the gang were long overdue for a few appointments with a shrink.
This…was something else though. He stared down at the hat in his hands. A hat that was given…alright less given and more slammed into his handwith little warning while he was working, by an especially angry looking Lady.
It seemed…well, it was a cowboy hat, with a long brim that curved upwards near the end, a leather band surrounding the center along with a few red gemstones that glowed with demonic power.
So, not the strangest thing Nero had ever held in his hand, but the way Lady was glaring down at it you’d think it was the spawn of the deepest pit of hell.
“…hello-?”
“Destroy it.”
“Huh?”
Just then Dante burst into the workshop (scattering the tools Nero had spent an entire hour cleaning up goddamnit old man!) with a look of unrestrained panic, “Kid! Don’t let her lies drag you to cruelty!”
“…what.”
“Quiet Dante!” Lady whirled on the older half demon, jabbing a finger in his chest, “This has gone on long enough!” She pointed at the hat still sitting serenely in Nero’s metal hand, “This thing has got to go!”
….were they seriously having an argument over a damn hat.
“Just because you can’t appreciate the style-”
“I saw cockroaches with more style than that tourist trap reject!”
This is why his work was interrupted so rudely? He was being subjected to all this drama because of a damn hat?
“You kidding!? That’s rich coming from a chick who rode a motorcycle in a tartan skirt and thigh high boots!”
“That thing is bad enough sitting on a coat hanger! But you put it on and, impossible as it may sound, you turn into an even bigger pain in the ass!”
“GUYS!” Nero yelled out, rubbing his temple with his free hand to try and stop the headache that rose into his head, “Are you serious?” He waved the hat around in exasperation, “What’s all this for?”
The two looked at eachother for a moment, Lady with an impatient scowl and Dante with a challenging raise of an eyebrow, before turning to the younger man and absolutely unloading on him with silly complaint after ridiculous justification.
By the time they were done Nero was ready to grab the heavy piece of weaponry he was working on and using it to get them to calm the hell down but tried to control himself.
“Okay…” He said, through his teeth, hand still rubbing his forehead, “So, let me get this straight, Dante got a cowboy hat and got it into his head he has to use a really lame accent with it-”
“I think you mean authentic accent-”
“-Lady shot it to hell so Dante somehow convinced Nico to patch it up and make it stronger-”
“-a traitor, a traitor and a fool-”
“-making it strong enough to withstand bullets and a blast from a freaking rocket launcher-”
“-that there spooked me right good it did let me tell ya-”
“You’re not even wearing the damn thing what is wrong with you-!?”
“And Trish, for some reason, doesn’t think she can destroy it either.” Nero finished, his eye twitching with ever interruption from the other two, looking at the hat that started all this with disdain and general annoyance, “And now you want me to destroy this ugly thing, right?”
“It ain’t ugly-”
“Yes it is! C’mon Nero you gotta be on my side on this one!” She pointed at Dante, “Doesn’t this guy annoy us enough without this extra ammo!?”
“Don’t appeal to his emotions!” Dante made a motion towards Nero with a hand, “The kid’s smart, I’m sure he can see proper solution to all this,” He sent a charming smile to Nero, complete with gleaming teeth (all it accomplished was make Nero’s headache worse), “Right kid? What do you think about all this?”
Nero looked at Dante, gleaming smile still stretching his face, and then at Lady, her face sending off an endless amount of threats of horrible and slow death (both towards the demon hunter and his hat), and sighed.
“I think that the both of you are crazy and that this is, bar none, the most idiotic situation I have ever found myself in.”
Behind the door, Morrison, Trish and Nico had to try their hardest not to burst out laughing.
Why did
nobody tell me that Dante gets a literalcowboy
hat as his weapon in DMC 5, this is incredibly
important!
… Mainly
because I headcanon since DMC 4 that Dante likes cowboys (look at his outfit in
that game) and was especially enthusiastic about them when he was still a kid
(in that “Mum I’m gonna be a cowboy when
I grow up!” kind of you, you know) and that he would be absolutely delighted
to have a real cowboy hat.
If Dante
doesn’t say at least one dumb cowboy pun while having the weapon equipped,
like, a “yeehaw” or “steady on!” or “there’s only space for one of us in this city” or something, I’m
gonna sue.
Also now
Capcom needs to give us an extra skin for Dante so you can switch into his DMC
4 outfit and equip the cowboy hat on top of it, just to complete the damn look.
Dante gets so into it he challenges Lady to a duel, “Pistols at noon! You and me cowpoke!”
Lady stares at him without a word for a whole two minutes.
And then she shoots him in the head.
And then she walks over to him, still grumbling about how much that stings, and yanks the damn hat off of his head and starts stomping on it despite his protests.
She shoots it a couple of times too for good measure.
Dante picks up the remains of his poor, abused, hat, cut down in the prime of it’s life, “Why?”
Lady stares him dead in the face, expression stone still, “I made a vow to destroy evil.”
Silence.
“Also, you’re annoying enough without having an excuse to talk with that godawful western accent.”
He waits, (clearly not pouting, what do you mean, he is a grown man, he does not pout, thank you very much) until Lady seems to be out of earshot, before he leans over to Nico.
The young woman is barely holding in the loud laughter threatening to spill, but manages an inquiring noise as she catches his gaze.
“Do you think you can fix this up?”
A smothered sound, a giggle, then a cleared throat before she becomes stern again. “Count on me, cowboy!”
Dante’s grin goes from ear to ear as he puts on his best (worst) drawl. “Don’t know what I would do without ya, lassie!”
Nico snorts, a loud, delighted noise. “Oh my god, you’re worse than grandma told me.”
“That a good thing?”
“The best. Now give me that mistreated thingy, I’m gonna make it better than it ever was.”
“Off you go,” Dante pauses, considers, “Make it more durable, perhaps?”
“Demon-durable or Lady-durable?”
“Both. Mostly the later.”
Lady has never felt such utter and complete betrayal in her entire life from another human being (except the obvious, of course) as she starred at the offending headwear, patched up and reinforced with carbon fiber of all things.
Dante saunters over, thumbs in the waist of his pants and a tooth pick in his mouth-oh for the love of god are those spurs on his shoes–and grins so smugly she is tempted to shot him in the teeth on principal alone.
“Well howdy there pardner.” His grin grows when one of Lady’s eyes twitches. “Fancy seeing you around these parts.” He pointed up to his hat. “I see you eyeballin’ my hat, purdy ain’t it?”
“Dante for the love of God that’s a fucking trucker accent-”
“Now I know you must be hankerin’ to bust it up like before,” He continued, ignoring her, “but you should know-”
Lady whipped out one of her machine guns, and unloaded the entire magazine directly into that vile piece of leather and demonic metal.
Damn thing didn’t even flinch.
“-My associate here gave it an upgrade.” He pointed to Nico, who was standing by his side this whole time, nearly bent over in held back laughter.
“Bullet proof hat!” She exclaimed at Lady, eyes shining with excitement, “I love working with you guys I never would have thought of this one.”
“You,” Lady started, eyes digging through Nico as well as any bullet, “are a traitor to the whole of humanity.”
“Oh relax.” Nico waved her off with little care. “Just let the man have his dumb fun, besides I made this thing 100% Lady-proof, there ain’t a damn thing you can do to it to damage or destroy it.”
Lady raised an eyebrow, holstered her machine gun, and reached back to put a hand on Kalina Ann.
“…Except that maybe.”
Dante whipped his head to Nico, “You forgot about the damn rocket launcher!?”
“She has like twenty different guns!” Nico protested, panic seeping out of her voice. “How do you expect me to keep track!?”
“Nico.” Lady intoned mildly, aiming the large barrel of her prized weapon directly at Dante’s face. “Take ten steps back.”
Nico took one look at the bazooka, than another look at Dante, switching between the two a few more times before turning on her heel and legging it.
“Later partner!”
“Lady was right! You ARE a traitor!”
A soft click of a trigger reached Dante’s sensitive ears.
“Oh dagnabbit.”
A massive explosion rocked the immediate area, sending plums of smoke and fire into the air along with a few chunks of concrete, charred black from the blast.
Lady put Kalina Ann back on the strap on her back, crossed her arms, and nodded her head in satisfaction, “The evil is defeated.” She yelled into the smoke cloud where Dante was standing, probably grumbling about his lost hat. “Let that be a lesson to you! You should always know when to let a joke die.”
She turned away to get to the nearest bar in order to drink the memory of this nonsense out of her head as soon as possible…when she heard a few surprised peals of laughter.
“Well, waddya know!” Dante stepped out of the smoke cloud, outfit scorched and ruined, with more than a few wounds rapidly healing on his skin…
And the hat in his hand, utterly unscathed.
“She really did make it Lady-proof!”
Lady’s eye twitched again as she gaped at the utter ridiculousness of what she was looking at, before she growled and walked away with an angry stomp.
Rex's place 